It’s Hard to Say Goodbye

I don’t know what’s with the year 2020 but this year was so heartbreaking. Three months ago, I posted this “Slowly, we’re losing someone we love and my heart is crying “Lord, I can’t take this anymore, this is too much”. I don’t know how much my heart can take because the pain of losing someone is not easy to bear.” And now, my heart was shattered in a thousand pieces and I don’t know how to get back up.

In a span of 14 months, I lost my grandmother, sister-in-law, father, and sister. My father passed away just three months ago and then just last week, I heard the very sad news. I feel so devastated because I lost my sister and my friend. It was so sudden and we were all in shock and how I wish we can pretend that nothing happened.

So soon, so soon, so soon... Why? I don’t understand why does she have to leave so soon? I can't find the words to say. I wish it was just a bad dream but too bad, it is a reality that I'm having a hard time to accept. I miss her so much and it pains me because I can't even see her. And because of this Covid19 pandemic issue and community quarantine, we cannot travel and my mom can’t even fly back to the Philippines. It aches our hearts because we cannot give her a decent funeral service.

Sino makakapagsabi na yung libing ni papa yung last na kita namin. Kausap pa namin siya, wala man lang signs na mawawala na siya; tapos gigising kami na wala na siya. She was not feeling sick but she mentioned that she has an asthma attack. She was not complaining so we just thought it was the usual asthma attack kapag nastress siya or pagod.

She has asthma since she was a kid and she said na nagnenebulizer siya for her asthma. Mas worried pa nga siya sa mama ko na may sakit and was on sick leave. But last Monday, nebulizer failed her and she was having a hard time to breathe so she was rushed to the hospital. It happened before (last year) so when my niece told me that she was in the hospital, I thought she was already okay but when I’ve read the word “nirerevive”, my hands were trembling and I can’t even type and I don’t know what to do. I called my brother so he can go to the hospital but he did not see our sister anymore.

God broke my heart because He always takes the best. Her golden heart stopped beating and her hardworking hands are now on rest. I love my sister so much and life would never be the same without her. She is a selfless sister. She is always there for me. I really appreciate her presence, lagi siya present if I need a family. She was there nung pregnant ako, nanganak, binyag ng anak, birthday, and any other special events of my life.

Growing up kami lagi magkasama and magkausap. Now that we have our own family, we seldom see each other because of distance pero lagi kami magkausap, almost every day. We're supposed to go to Taiwan pa nga last March kaso nacanceled and marami pa kami travel plans together na hindi na mangyayari pa. Now that she is gone, I don’t know how to move on and move forward.

The words "moving on" is easier said than done. They keep saying that time will heal but the pain just gets more real. It’s been 10 days since God called her home and our heart still aches and we don’t know until when. I kept on playing this song by Danny Gokey “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again”

“Let every heartbreak and every scar, be a picture that reminds you who has carried you this far. Cause love sees farther than you ever could. In this moment heaven’s working everything for good”

I’m praying that God will give us strength, comfort, and support that we need so we can survive our trials in our life.