When Will This Stop?

Note: Not a happy post.

For 31 years of my life, I always try to be strong to solve my problems, to fight my own battles and to face challenges of life. But this week, I feel so low, every day I feel so depress and stress. It is not a secret here that I have psoriasis since I was 20 years old but this week I experienced the severe case of psoriasis. This is the worst case that I have experienced for 11 years of having this skin condition.

I won’t be a hypocrite because I’ve asked God so many times, why me? Why Do I have to experience this? What did I do to deserve this? And when will this stop? Honestly, I’m so tired, I’m so stressed, I’m so depressed and I’m about to give up.

I feel that I’m just existing but not living the normal life. The physical, emotional and financial stress is already too much and I don’t know if I can still hold on. I started my phototherapy last Sept 14 but I feel that I’m just wasting money because I can’t see the improvement yet and like I said it’s getting worst.

I went to my doctor yesterday and she was also shocked because she saw me last Sunday and I was still fine, I can still cover my lesions but now even longsleeves  and pants can’t cover it because I have it on my neck, feet and hands and few on my faces. I really prayed that God would spare my face.

I’m so tired visiting hospitals, just like yesterday we went to Victoria, Laguna to visit my grandmother as early as 5AM because I have to be in Asian hospital for my son’s check-up and for my phototherapy at 9AM. Then we transferred to Alabang Medical because my dermatology was there every Saturday. After that, we went to Healthway Clinic for my lab test because it is cheaper.

Dealing with this skin condition is so time-consuming, I really want a normal life. I accepted the fact that I will have this for the rest of my life but I’m praying I will experience remission or at least mild psoriasis just like when I’m not a mother.

My only consolation is, my family loves me. They are always there to support and accompany me every check-up, even though I know na napapagod na din anak ko just like yesterday, he kept on saying “let’s go home”. Napagod na siguro sa biyahe and pila sa hospital. Kung ako lang, I wanted to lock myself at home until I’m ok but I can’t because my son needs me, I need to accompany him in school and I need to go to hospital thrice a week.

I’m trying to be strong because I know my husband and son need me. I’m trying to believe that I’ll be ok after therapy. I’m trying to understand that there’s a reason for everything. I’m trying to hold on!

“O God, when I lose hope because my plans have come to nothing. Then help me to remember that your love is always greater than my disappointments and your plans for my life are always better than my dreams.”